does everything that goes up…

…have to come down?

i’ve no idea what’s going on today, or why, but it’s the worst day of the week (several weeks in fact), despite decent sleep.  grumpy and angry (and expressing it), low self-esteem & unhelpful internal dialogue.

was it yesterday’s lunch – a diverse bowl of half-cooked vegetables with peanut sauce, aka Gado Gado @ Vegebar?  some chemical trip, like i recall happened with Folic Acid many years ago?

just got back from the gym, but it didn’t have anywhere near the zing of monday or wednesday, despite the music.

we’re at the end of 2 weeks of heatwave (with rollercoaster temps predicted for next week) – in November. contrast this to my first Melbourne Spring (2000), where we had the central heating on until a week before Christmas.  in fact it’s in stark contrast to any Melbourne November i recall in the last decade.  i’m the first person to call bullshit when people sprout glib global warming references – hot weather does not equal global warming, but rather extremes of weather in either/both directions.  but this is southern Australia in the grip of a decade-long drought, 2 weeks of heatwave and *record* highs in November?  that seems like a new extreme to me.  meanwhile the talking heads are – at the eleventh hour – talking down what can be achieved at Copenhagen.  they say what happens at meetings is decided well before the meeting.  bear witness.

somehow i don’t think i’ll be up to facing a room full of strangers tonight for ‘Friday Club’ drinks (run by J’s ex); nor to the awkwardness of a possible first-real-conversation with him.  times like these i usually need to avoid human contact altogether :(

and as for the whole J thing – hard to say.  in the absence of communication / quality time for nearly 2 weeks now (other than a few group meets with a friend), i find my head fills in the vacuum with negative thoughts.  not fun.

for the first time in my life i feel like getting pissed and drowning my sorrows.  is this some new manifestation of my tendency to self-medicate?

(edit1 – Fri night: but i didn’t)

(edit2 – Sat night: back to normal. how bizarre…  met J in the city for drinks.  good talking. nice.  drove him home – kissed.  even nicer… :) )