29 12 2009

so J made up his mind.

lose-lose-lose for all involved (in my humble opinion).  just as i was indirectly warned would happen many weeks ago – but i didn’t act on that warning, rose-coloured glasses n all.

i’ve never been someone’s rebound before.  always thought i was smarter than to get sucked into a bad situation like that, but i was so caught by surprise that i had feelings for him at all, and naively taking it on face value that when J said they’d broken up, they’d really broken up, and well, you know the rest.  i guess that’s why i have no idea what to feel or how to react, other than badly, woodpeckered thoughts of the jilted & rejected echoing around my head.  my bitterness toward J is exceeded only by my fury at myself for not recognising the situation for what it was a lot sooner.  hopefully both will fade before too long.

merry fucken christmas.  i’m done with this fucked up 2009 now.  surely this is rock bottom?  no wait, there’s that other thing looming…

the urge to block all this out is massive,  and only an SMS away.  but so is the instinct to bathe raw in it, music my masochistic balm.  to give in to the former would be the ultimate failure and a guarantee of re-entering a circular path.  the latter a well of slowly fading pain and blind trust in tomorrow.


first boyfriend syndrome?

22 12 2009

from the moment of our birth we spend our lives being shaped by the world around us.  our parents, our siblings, our school friends & teachers, our colleagues, our community, our culture, our politics, our environment.  it’s a dense tapestry that’s impossible to ignore, a limited spaghetti bowl of potential paths that’s difficult to avoid following.  it defines who we are, as individuals, and as any collective by which we are defined by others, or choose to define ourselves.

before we even meet our first significant partner we’ve been conditioned, we’ve assembled an array of expectations of what that partner, and life with that partner should be like; from fundamental gender roles to trivial points of etiquette.  it culminates in the package deal we call marriage, complete with the ubiquitous (and i believe ridiculous) vow “till death do us part” – unless you get divorced and, perhaps, have another go at it.

for gays, it’s a little more complicated.  we’re inculcated with all these expectations, but we’re not officially held to account by the vows and institution of marriage (and in still too many ways, not by the myriad laws of the land in which we variously live – rights and resposibilities – either).  this has provided space for many gay couples to explore relationships and lifestyles that deviate from the hetero married norm, and for many this has been very rewarding.  it’s also given gays a reputation for having short-lived relationships, sometimes abandoned too easily.

it’s said (by the collective wisdom of the internet at least ;) that the more “firsts” you experience with your first serious partner – kiss, sex, cohabitation, travel, & everything inbetween – the harder it is to let go of that dreamed-of future when the core relationship evaporates.

so, take a guy raised in a mixed Christian & Chinese culture with the usual array of expectations of their future partner, who moves to Australia to make a new life, discovers he’s gay, doesn’t “play the field” much before he meets his first serious boyfriend, cohabitates, and – upon those inculcated expectations – dreams their future together.

then what happens when life doesn’t pan out like the fairytale demands?  no disastrous acrimonious breakup, just a gradual fizzle of what once was there…

i suspect this is what i’m dealing with in J.

everything and nothing

19 12 2009

i’ve held off making this post, because although alot’s happened, it hasn’t been much of individual blogworthy significance.  so i’ll let it all hang out in one go.

as i suspected, Copenhagen was largely a failure, as all those going into it knew before they even arrived.  Naomi Klein had it right when interviewed at the start of Copenhagen – all this “Hopenhagen” bullshit is (almost) useless, childish, and naive.  why “hope” for something that isn’t even up for discussion?  the Copenhagen talks have been little more than a stepping stone to where we needed to to be YEARS AGO, with years more yet to go.  i guess the problem will need to get a lot worse before our elected leaders cut the crap and do what’s necessary.  particularly Australia – thanks Liberal/National Coalition Opposition fuckheads, whose new leader is more concerned that school children learn about the bible… fuck me.  how many more things need to go wrong, how many more dead species, how many more collapsed dying ecosystems, how many more felled forrests, how much more desert, how much higher sea levels, how many more major destructive weather events, how many more people displaced, how much more devastation will be needed before we pull our heads out of our arses?

oh, and on the topic of Australian politics, Rudd’s henchman Conroy is still trying to protect the children, by implementing futile compulsory ISP-level filtering.  fuck me… (again).  we concerned citizens will need to get smart in our collaboration to turn the tide on this shit.

work is mad busy, exacerbated in part by my appalling time management, particularly in the mornings – just can’t seem to get into it.  Dell have fucked me/client over bigtime, 6+ weeks late delivering a new server that should’ve taken about 2 weeks, which has created a crunch over xmas/new-year, and they’ve been belligerent in their non-communication at every step.  i’ll probably blog that one separately once the dust settles.  & i’ve dropped the ball with a (small, minor) client who’s decided/realised that for this specific job at least, someone else will have to fill the gap of my lax attention to their needs. *sigh*  perhaps, in yanking back on the joystick controlling my life that was in freefall only a few months ago, i’ve scraped the undercarriage a bit…  hopefully the landing gear is still intact.

psychologically speaking, i’ve been fairly consistently boyant, overall.  no one-day plummets like i mentioned a few weeks ago, thank $deity!  a couple of my psych sessions have been very thought-provoking.  i’ll probably go into more detail – with my psych, and here – in the new year when our sessions resume, but i’m beginning to think that a significant part of the last 5 years dysthymia has been about my unresolved issues/questions that brought me to Melbourne in the first place: my life’s purpose.  10 years ago i felt itchy, unhappy, unsettled, and made a decision to leave Sydney and move to either Melbourne and start a new life vaguely of the kind i’ve been leading; or to Byron Bay / Northern Rivers and lead probably an entirely different lifestyle.  i was convinced to do the former, and ultimately fell into a new situation, and particularly a new self-employed career, without barely lifting a finger, let alone making any conscious choices about exactly what i wanted to do.  and i think that kinda worked for several years, but essentially only as a distraction; a distraction that became undermined and peeling around the edges as i became unable to ignore broader issues going on in the world, and realise that i wasn’t – and still aren’t – doing much of anything about them.  perhaps it’s time to face up to the fact that i’m coasting, not doing something that i’m passionate about anymore, and find a way to move into something else that is/does.  the two burning questions are: 1) what? and 2) what, that can also support my financial needs to pay off this small mountain of debt i’ve created for myself?  not saying i’m about to retire to Byron Bay & become a hippy, but i think something needs to change.

and perhaps it’s just circumstances & back-drop, but we’ve also been looking back to my childhood, teens & early 20s, realising how a combination of a ‘mildly inhibited family culture’ (at least so far as self-expression is concerned), self-inhibition due to my confused/unresolved sexuality until i ‘woke up’ at 23yo, and $deity knows what else, lead to me being such a late bloomer.  maybe it still has significance, maybe not, time will tell.

speaking of my parents, i’ve decided, with some trepidation, to bring them up to speed to some extent with my depression of the last few years.  i’ve held back from bringing them into that drama, because from 750km away, there’s not much they can really do about it anyway, other than worry, and they find enough to worry about without me adding to it.  at least now i can honestly put a positive forward-looking spin on it.

things are still going well with J.  we’ve spent some good times together over the last few weeks. i continue to feel comfortable with him, always learning more about him, seemingly connecting on several different levels.  but i’ve been plagued with one major concern.  why the fuck is he doing this couples-counseling with his “ex” boyfriend?  i finally forced the issue last week, and he agreed i deserved to have some idea of what was going on, without needing/wanting to know details.  i can’t say the answer made me feel any, or at least much better, other than knowing a bit more of the history between he & his ex.  i still feel just as vulnerable.  my rational head hopes it will help him sort out his issues, which can only be a good thing in the long run, and my ego hopes he’ll come to his senses and realise that i’m prepared to – *gulp* – commit to him and give him the love and attention he deserves.  (i can’t believe i just said that, but there it is – raw expression of thought and feeling; damn scary).  but ultimately things are still pretty touch-n-go, i can see it in his language (verbal & non-verbal) that he’s holding back (as am i) until he comes to some resolution with his ex, and he knows it, and he knows i know it.  it’s torture.  i just hope my philosophy/observations of “windows of opportunity” is wrong this time…

and as if that admission wasn’t enough, how ’bout this parting thought:

i have NO IDEA why, but i’ve been preoccupied with internet/new-media/social-media MARKETING for a while now (moreso than usual), including reading a few of the overwhelmingly-many blogging/tweeting marketers out there.  this is a subset of human i’d previously looked down upon as cockroaches out to get me (or at least my money). WTF???

can you afford not to? really?

1 12 2009

somehow i got my little pinkie into a new pie.

Ben Rennie, chief of, has offered for me to write for his site semi-regularly, so here’s my first two articles:

hopefully more to come…