29 12 2009

so J made up his mind.

lose-lose-lose for all involved (in my humble opinion).  just as i was indirectly warned would happen many weeks ago – but i didn’t act on that warning, rose-coloured glasses n all.

i’ve never been someone’s rebound before.  always thought i was smarter than to get sucked into a bad situation like that, but i was so caught by surprise that i had feelings for him at all, and naively taking it on face value that when J said they’d broken up, they’d really broken up, and well, you know the rest.  i guess that’s why i have no idea what to feel or how to react, other than badly, woodpeckered thoughts of the jilted & rejected echoing around my head.  my bitterness toward J is exceeded only by my fury at myself for not recognising the situation for what it was a lot sooner.  hopefully both will fade before too long.

merry fucken christmas.  i’m done with this fucked up 2009 now.  surely this is rock bottom?  no wait, there’s that other thing looming…

the urge to block all this out is massive,  and only an SMS away.  but so is the instinct to bathe raw in it, music my masochistic balm.  to give in to the former would be the ultimate failure and a guarantee of re-entering a circular path.  the latter a well of slowly fading pain and blind trust in tomorrow.




%d bloggers like this: