the road to recovery…

7 03 2010

…is fraught with potholes and roadkill.

i’ve been moving into some interesting territory with my psych lately.  until a few weeks ago, for some reason i forgot that my five year dysthymic depression (2005+) was preceded by two (relatively) short periods in the 3rd quarter of the two previous years.  until recently i’d considered my sense of helplessness at ‘world issues’ as being a pivotal factor.  but like the layers of an onion, the truth is usually deeper, and usually more personal.

those two previous phases were very much about interpersonal disappointments.  the first was a series of let-downs with a few guys i’d been seeing, including a younger couple where i was ‘piggy in the middle’ <evil grin>, but who dropped me like a used condom when a younger hotter candidate came along :(.  the second period was more of the same, but moreso about the loss of a close friendship, for reasons that were never clear to me, but which has been painful ever since.

when i started dating J in early november last year, my social life took a steep upturn, which was symbiotic with my rapidly improving state of mind.  unfortunately J’s contribution to that process came to an abrupt halt just after xmas.  since then i’ve been relying on twitter to continue that process under my own steam, and also been using Grindr on my iPhone to meet other guys.

the life of a recovering recluse/depressive is a fucken rollercoaster.  one moment i have several days or a weekend booked up with stuff, the next i spend a week &/or weekend (or two) ironing my socks.  i still haven’t wrapped my head around the twitter etiquette of social events organised in this public forum by people i know, & recognising when it’s appropriate to just join myself in, and when i should wait for an invitation.

unfortunately salvaging my friendship with J is proving to be difficult.  don’t ask, i don’t know why.  and Grindr, well, lets just say i’m quickly getting over the gay MO of guys who say they’re interested in meeting *friends*, but want to interview you in the bedroom first :(  (in the interests of not doing to someone else what J did to me, i’m avoiding that scenario for a while); or you have a casual g-rated ‘date’ but never hear from them again.  i deleted a few phone numbers from my phone this weekend – they hadn’t been in there long.  i think i might need to put Grindr back in the box for a while – it’s not doing my head any favours.

the word here is obviously rejection.  i thought i coped with rejection fairly well.  maybe i just burried/internalised it?  right now it’s an open question…




3 responses

8 03 2010

I know I’m just a filthy failed bi, but I’d love it if you came to Ale Stars with us (you were invited via the F o’ B :)). The invitation was to those who I thought would genuinely be(er) interested, as opposed to every Tom, Dick & Harriet.

Also, I keep meaning to chat to you personally about the black dog stuff. You’re inspiring, don’t you ever forget that. There are so many people with depression who just accept that that life is their lot, instead of fighting it tooth and nail.

Also also, look forward to hanging out more often. :)

8 03 2010

aw thanks babe :)
yes, Ale Stars, no ambiguity there :), just wasn’t sure at first wtf it was till you explained last week, so i’ll check the date & hopefully confirm. got a hellish march full of work with lots of OT/weekend work before i take off most of april on holidays.

when i eventually got around to googling ‘dysthymia’ (a term/seed planted in my head by an academic-psych friend), i was blown away not only by how i could tick almost all of the diagnostic criteria boxes, but by how many people (USA figures) are estimated to suffer from it, often without even realising it’s actually depression, and just think that’s ‘normal’ – such is the slow creep of non-chronic depression. that was my first turning point that lead me to see a counselor back in early 07.

now, about this filthy failed bi BS. filthy can be a *good* thing ;). failed? no m’dear, just – i’m guessing – relatively unexplored? that’s not a failure, that’s an opportunity simply waiting for the right time.

8 03 2010

There’s a saying I once came across years ago, which I often refer to when I’m feeling a bit down: convalescence is a bitch, but friends are comfortable.

The risk one takes to establish personal connections is never easy and even then, sometimes it’s still fraught with other kinds of fuckery. Rejection sucks.

Good call on GrindR – it very rarely works, in spite of personal experience.


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