moth, flame and confusion

24 06 2010

so J tried to kiss me the other night 8-0

it was at the end of of the night, at his front door saying goodnight. i flinched, grasped my chest, took a step back, wide-eyed, speechless and in shock. i made a hasty departure.

the 42 butterflies in my stomach were frenzied as i walked back to my car; a cigarette barely touched the sides as i paced back n forth, a maelstrom of conflicted thoughts. the possibility that i had deliberately avoided considering had just occurred.

i spent the first 3 months of the year getting over J.  after April holidays i realised i hadn’t thought about him much at all, and felt pretty good about that. i told him, and myself, when we broke up that i wasn’t going to wait for him to sort out his situation; i’ve seen too many people waste too much time waiting for their love boat to never come to shore.

we’ve been spending a bit of time together since i returned from holidays, much of it initiated by him, & more recently him being physically affectionate toward me – which i’ve furiously avoided reciprocating.  my spidey sense had wondered if something was going on for him beyond the friendship that I was happy to see getting back on track, but my skeptical head dismissed it as me being overly sensitive to the situation.   turns out my spidey sense was right :).

call it cutting my Melbourne losses, or taking the path not taken 10 years ago, but after a month away the whole idea of moving up north – perhaps within a year – has been feeling more and more comfortable. and a relationship in Melbourne hadn’t figured into that equation!

but with one attempted kiss, my world felt like it had been turned upside down again.

so i went back inside and we talked for another hour. to cut a long story short, J’s gone through his long dark tea time of the soul with his break-up with his ex, not found single life to be all it’s cracked up to be, and misses me & what we’d begun to explore late last year. but just to make life interesting, J also has the itch to live and work overseas for a year or two…

with so much uncertainty on both sides of this story, how can this moth stay away from the naked flame? lol

some people take a pretty severe, disposable attitude to situations like this, “nope! he had his chance & he blew it, don’t go back!”.  i know J fucked up pursuing something with me before he was really ready to move on from his previous relationship, but i’m as confident now as i was at the time that he didn’t do it with bad intentions.  naivety perhaps, but not recklessness.  he wasn’t responsible for the intensity of my feelings toward him – i let that happen all by myself despite the warning signs.

so maybe life’s about to get interesting again…