moth, flame and confusion

24 06 2010

so J tried to kiss me the other night 8-0

it was at the end of of the night, at his front door saying goodnight. i flinched, grasped my chest, took a step back, wide-eyed, speechless and in shock. i made a hasty departure.

the 42 butterflies in my stomach were frenzied as i walked back to my car; a cigarette barely touched the sides as i paced back n forth, a maelstrom of conflicted thoughts. the possibility that i had deliberately avoided considering had just occurred.

i spent the first 3 months of the year getting over J.  after April holidays i realised i hadn’t thought about him much at all, and felt pretty good about that. i told him, and myself, when we broke up that i wasn’t going to wait for him to sort out his situation; i’ve seen too many people waste too much time waiting for their love boat to never come to shore.

we’ve been spending a bit of time together since i returned from holidays, much of it initiated by him, & more recently him being physically affectionate toward me – which i’ve furiously avoided reciprocating.  my spidey sense had wondered if something was going on for him beyond the friendship that I was happy to see getting back on track, but my skeptical head dismissed it as me being overly sensitive to the situation.   turns out my spidey sense was right :).

call it cutting my Melbourne losses, or taking the path not taken 10 years ago, but after a month away the whole idea of moving up north – perhaps within a year – has been feeling more and more comfortable. and a relationship in Melbourne hadn’t figured into that equation!

but with one attempted kiss, my world felt like it had been turned upside down again.

so i went back inside and we talked for another hour. to cut a long story short, J’s gone through his long dark tea time of the soul with his break-up with his ex, not found single life to be all it’s cracked up to be, and misses me & what we’d begun to explore late last year. but just to make life interesting, J also has the itch to live and work overseas for a year or two…

with so much uncertainty on both sides of this story, how can this moth stay away from the naked flame? lol

some people take a pretty severe, disposable attitude to situations like this, “nope! he had his chance & he blew it, don’t go back!”.  i know J fucked up pursuing something with me before he was really ready to move on from his previous relationship, but i’m as confident now as i was at the time that he didn’t do it with bad intentions.  naivety perhaps, but not recklessness.  he wasn’t responsible for the intensity of my feelings toward him – i let that happen all by myself despite the warning signs.

so maybe life’s about to get interesting again…




2 responses

19 07 2010

Life would be pretty boring without the unexpected. Savour the moment and enjoy the experience… and trust your spidey senses.

And by the by, love this line: “i’ve seen too many people waste too much time waiting for their love boat to never come to shore.” Hear, hear.

23 09 2010
comfort in point c «

[…] then J turned my life upside down (again), and for the last few months we’ve been rekindling what we began late last year.  that journey is progressing nicely :) […]

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