All good things…

17 08 2011

my next blog post was originally going to be a “hey, J & I just celebrated 1 year together!”, due about a month ago.  but life got in the way of blogging it.

now, I’m faced with the decision of whether to follow him to Sydney, or not.  WTF!??

you see, J, in his disenchantment with his now-former employer, started applying for jobs, particularly targeting places he actually wanted to work (as distinct from simply applying to places who just happened to be advertising on Seek or whatever).  in the interim, he accepted a 3 month contract with an agency, which he’s a few weeks into.

one of those leads was with a major globally-recognised web-based software company, BASED IN SYDNEY.  after a lengthy courtship, including a trip to Sydney at his own expense, he’s been offered the position, including significant assistance & reimbursement of relocation costs.  and now after several days of deliberating & number-crunching, he’s decided to accept it.  ignoring the bigger picture it’s almost a no-brainer, it’s a great opportunity that should directly facilitate his desire to live/work overseas in the web world a year or two hence.

but there IS a bigger picture.  those who know me know my thoughts on Sydney, and why I left there 11 years ago bound for Melbourne, and would understand my reluctance, or at least extreme ambivalence, to return, and in the process jeopardising my Melbourne-based client income.  (and for those who don’t know, no, it wasn’t for any of the classic reasons one usually flees a city (love/hate, STDs, parking fines), it was just, to cut a long story short, being totally over Sydney Life & needing a big change).

and there’s J’s youngest brother who lives with us, who’ll need to relocate – somewhere.

J starts at the new job in Sydney in mid-September, less than a month away.

suffice to say i’m a little shitty at J’s lack of consequential thinking.  although I was aware he’d applied, there was no “what if?” discussion if he were to be offered a job, and naturally need to start there within a month.  partly that’s because of his lack of self-confidence at landing a job with a high-flying company.  but partly it’s the reality of our ‘partnership’.

as you might remember, after I returned from Byron in April last year, I started hatching a plan; a plan that perhaps would’ve seen me living up there by now, perhaps continuing to service my clients remotely (with the assistance of a local pair of hands for on-site work), or perhaps doing something altogether different.

you might also remember that, shortly after I announced that intention, J “changed his mind”, and we rekindled what had begun & quickly ended 6 months earlier.  acknowledging that lightning doesn’t usually strike twice, there was still more than enough mutual attraction, interest & respect to “enjoy the ride together for however long it lasts”; which put my half-made plan to migrate north on hold.

well, now i need to balance “however long it lasts” with the financial feasibility AND desirability of moving back to Sydney.  don’t get me wrong, the last year with J has been totally joyful.  but, a man’s gotta pay the bills, too!

as far as my willingness to leave Melbourne, nothing has changed.  many of the friends I made in the first 5 years have left (or died), and 5 years of social stagnation from depression did nothing to rectify that situation.  whilst there’s still a few people here I’d really miss, there’s even more back in Sydney who are already rallying for my return!

it’s more than geographically closer to my intended destination, it’s a rut-busting move of similar proportions to the one that got me down here in the first place, and if there’s anyone who needs a comfortable, financially subsistent 11 year rut busted, it’s me!  1 to 2 years in Sydney (before J finally fulfils his overseas ambition, and I mine) could be just what I need to unsettle, stress and stretch me in hopefully positive ways, getting rid of some of the old, to make way for some of the new.

or am I just being a pathetic lapdog?

 

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7 responses

17 08 2011
JoJo

Ok, so your happy for J, happy with your relationship, a little put off by Js lack of consultation and afraid of re visiting the past. Right?
You already know, in your gut, the answer to all of your concerns. The thing you need to do is ask yourself the right questions. The answers will come when you ask the RIGHT questions.
11 years is a lifetime. Sydney may not have changed much but you have I’m sure. Your experience in life will assist you here.
Relationship 101:
Do you love J?
Do you feel J loves you?
Is love enough?
Is J worth up rooting your life and work?
What do you want? Quick answer, don’t think about it!!!

Life is full of questions and the unknown. Your future is untrodden, which path do you want to take?

The answers are in your heart and head. Lose the sugar coating and follow your instincts.

You can always wait 3-6 months and decide then.

-your cyber friend :-)

18 08 2011
techydude

Jo, how very dare you, cutting through my crap like a hot knife like that! ;)
Yes, you’re quite right, I do already know which way I want to go (Sydney).
It’s the practicalities that give me… pause…

18 08 2011
tyroga

I hear you loud and clear. Before moving to Melbourne David was offered a fully paid moved down from Sydney and at first I said sure lets go, I was unhappy at my job and could use the change. But when it came to the crunch I couldn’t leave. Leaving meant no more family near by, missing my niece and nephews grow up. It was the only fight we’d had in the 7 years we were together at that point and it was a decision that nearly ended us. But he decided to stay…

Then a few months later the company I worked for was sold and the IT department, of which I was a part, was all made redundant. So we revisited the move to Melbourne. I was in a rutt and with work out of the picture now I weighed up everything and took the plunge.

I understand the apprehension about going back to Sydney, while I don’t know your exact reasons, your short reasoning in this post is pretty much why I would also never want to return to Sydney. But push come to shove, if David got another job that he really wanted I’d grit my teeth and move back there.

The only thing I’d pull you up on in this post is the idea that it was J’s job to start the ‘“what if?” discussion’. You’re a partnership and therefore either can broach any subject in the name of open communication.

But ultimately your friend Jojo is right. If you feel a connection with young J that’s more important than anything else cause we only get the one life and it’s awesome when you can spend it with someone who complements you (not completes you cause you need to be a whole first and not compliments though I’ve sure he does that too on a regular basis).

19 08 2011
anonymous

Frankly, you and J should break up. You aren’t a real couple that makes big life decisions together, as a couple. You both have your individual plans, and frankly, it sounds like he makes his decisions, and then you are offered the chance to be woven in. That’s not what couples do. Stop bending to this selfish jerk’s will. Say “thanks for the time together” and find a boyfriend who respects you and your relationship better.

22 08 2011
techydude

@JoJo, I took your advice, and in rapid-fire asked myself all those & several other questions. The conclusion surprised me.

@Tyroga, point taken, tho I simplified the issue a bit. I did raise the issue with J a couple of times (at the start, and after he went to Sydney for the main interview & came home feeling hopeful of getting it), but the discussion never reached a genuine conclusion. this in itself speaks volumes about our situation.

@Frankly Anonymous, you are both correct, and boringly narrow-minded all at the same time. You’re right, J & I are not a traditional couple, we both acknowledge this is a “partnership of convenience” for the here-and-now, and neither of us regret the time together thus far. So in that sense, I don’t subscribe to your notion that all couples/relationships must conform to your narrow definition.

Having said that @Frankly Anonymous, you did give me the necessary kick up the bum to look more objectively at J & I’s relative commitment to that agreement, and realise that – for reasons that J has not made clear to me yet (if ever) – this arrangement now rates at a lower priority than accepting a great job offer *no matter where it is*, including the one city in the world I have no desire to return to, and is thus willing to sacrifice our “relationship” for it, as well as uproot his little brother, despite earlier agreeing it would be sensible for him to live with us for the rest of the year.

This is the bit that’s come as a surprise and disappointment to me; call that the actions of a selfish jerk if you must, I guess the grass is greener where you live. Good for you.

As above, I asked myself all of JoJo’s questions & more, looking at which of the 2 options in front of me will be more likely to get me to where *I* want to be within the next few years, and I honestly couldn’t say that a year or two in Sydney with J would better achieve that – quite the opposite I think.

Another friend, John, via Facebook suggested that unexpectedly great things can happen when you ‘throw yourself off a cliff’ (ie. follow J to Sydney, or even overseas, although the latter is of even less interest to me), and he’s absolutely right. But it’s still geared towards J’s interests, not mine – if I’m to follow him, I take a great risk & challenge (and J very little), all for what? Recreating what we already have in Melbourne, in Sydney – after thinking through the realities – is actually less likely to get me where I want to be. My jumping-over-the-cliff will likely be that physical move up north.

“Traditional” couples probably would jump over the cliff and Do Sydney for a while, and then jump over the next cliff too.

So, as it stands now, I won’t be moving to Sydney with J. But who the fuck knows, I’ve already flip-flopped once… :)

22 08 2011
Jimi

U have to do what’s right for u, especially if u dont see the relationship as a long term prospect.

2 09 2011
Snarkattack

Oh shit hon…my first instinct was to say “holy fuck, grats on a year, where did the time go?!” but woah curveball…

I don’t have any experience with long-distance relationships but do you think it could work if you move to Byron? You’ve talked before on the blog about how much you yearn to live there and it’s not ridiculously far from Sydney, but then I guess you guys would need to talk about whether or not that’s something you’re prepared to do. How set are your roots in Melburnia?

And no, you’re not a pathetic lapdog. I used to think following someone for love was lame but that just goes to show little I allowed myself to love. I’d hope that now J would know that Sydney and what it stands for (parking fines and STIs and all) would be hard for you, even if he didn’t initially when applying for jobs? (here’s hoping)




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