…and now for something completely different…

2 11 2009

this blog’s been a vent. a pretty pointless vent i’ll admit, at least from an outsider’s perspective. but it has helped me formulate ideas/arguments/opinions about stuff over the last 2.5 years, so no regrets. i’ve never done, nor had any desire to do what’s needed to attract a readership. (having said that i just checked my stats and am surprised to see hundreds of hits on the Optus contract-cancellation post! maybe that’s not so surprising…)

but i reckon its time to add a new dimension – the personal. so to all you peeps who haven’t been reading my blog, sorry, but things are about to change. i’ll probably still rant from time to time, but…

things seem to be changing. and i feel the urge to output.

i’ve alluded in older posts to the depression that’s gripped my life these past few years. it’s been a bit of a roller-coaster – and that was without meds! in fact i read a blog a week ago by a guy who gave Prozac a try, & hated it, cuz “everything was ‘nice’, which kinda sux”, which i’ve heard many times before. then when its effects tapered off he was faced with the decision to try a different AD which needed a more serious commitment (long-ish ramp-up & ramp-down – no sudden dose changes, potentially more serious side-effects) & decided against it. confirmed my gut instinct.

anyway, back to me. the depression reached an all-time low this year, insidiously infecting more and more of my life, including work. it’d never seriously impacted work all that much before, except for a bit last year. but the situation almost reached breaking point before *somehow* i managed to pull it back from the brink of disaster not much more than a month ago.

i knew then it was time to ditch the self-medication. FUUUUUUUCK! what’m i sposed to do now? LIVE?!?

that’s the fraked up thing about depression & “self-medication”. it’s isolated me from the world, which has been “nice” in its usual fraked up way, and yet somehow i still have the power to put it aside and “open the window to life” again, simply because right now i *need* to to avoid serious shit from hitting the fan.

i’ve been at this stage twice before – giving up smoking, and having to go through the withdrawal & detox, and have my mind come back to life, start looking outward, and rediscovering the world. and the impact that has on sleep (one of my favourite topics!). so that’s why i’m writing this shit at 3:44am on a monday morning. great… it’s been like this for a month. and somehow i let the Doc talk me out of “proper” sleeping pills (Stillnox) last week in preference to herbal shit, which has done SFA.

since i buggered my shoulder in Byron last Feb from what seemed like a minor fall off my skateboard, the Doc said no more gym or skating till its healed, which i think’s also been a big contributor to my low mood this year. it’s taken 6+ months to heal. i’ve only felt ready to put pressure on it this past 2 or so months. but it’s been a challenge just to get out of bed in the morning, forget the treadmill. & now even though my security blanket is gone, the fraked up sleep means exercise is the last thing i feel like doing when i wake up. catch fuckin 22 again… :(

but the most unexpected impact of this slow turning of the oil-tanker that is my life, has been the realisation that i have “significant feelings” for someone i’ll call J. a situation (whose details are now unimportant) evoked a physical stomach-turning dose of jealousy. yes, jealousy! i’d never considered myself the jealous type before. where the hell did this come from!?? we’ve been friends for 6+ months, online chatting nearly 12!

but there it is. the more time i spend with J the more we seem to have in common, the more i like his outlook on life, the more i feel a kindred spirit. and, well, i’ve always had a hard spot for cute asian guys ;) i tortured him with some cryptic facebook posts last week (not really expecting him to even see them), which he saw & replied to. i was so stupidly cryptic he got the completely wrong idea, thought i’d “found someone else”. no babe, it’s you. i couldn’t even bring myself to confess my fledgeling feelings for him when we went out on friday night – no, i had to do it via SMS when i got home (isn’t that what GenY do?!?). such is the impact this ‘black dog’ has had on what used to be my very healthy dose of self-confidence. that, and also not wanting to fuck up what’s turning out to be a great friendship.

anyway, the SMS conversation was, well, kinda nice! at least, not the usual “dear john, you’re a great friend.” so we caught up again the next night. 2 nights in a row, ooher, people will talk! another great night, watched star trek 11. and this time we got to cuddle a bit on the couch – that was nice :) i can’t remember how long since that happened… went for a walk up to the nearby lookout that overlooks the city. nice. talked lots.

not sure where he’s at. possibly still in shock? :) and also has a slightly complicated domestic situation with his ex, and his little brother coming to live with both of them early next year. but he didn’t seem too averse to the idea of taking things slow & seeing where it goes. so, there it is.

this is all pretty surreal for me. that side of life has been off limits for years now, thanks to dysthymia. it’s forcing me to deal with my low self-esteem & body image, and get back into exercise & back on my board.

4:30am. think i’m ready for sleep now. stay tuned…